|“And why do we fall, Bruce, so we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
(Batman Begins, 2005)
There’s a theory which says that the further along you get in your own self discovery and growth, the tougher the obstacles that appear to challenge you are. My sister advised me a few weeks ago to stick to my daily yoga and meditation during my move into my new home, as the transition phase itself would be destabilizing and she didn’t want me to lose my focus, especially since I was making so much progress.
Unfortunately I didn’t listen very well and got caught up in the excitement of the move and then rode high on the happiness I felt being in my new environment. I neglected what had become necessary and important for me, because I equated my happy and excited state of mind with stability and security. I thought I was on top of things and strong. I carelessly put aside my daily practice and before I knew it, I had succumbed to errors in judgment which have cost me.
Needless to say, I was furious with myself and inevitably fell back into old patterns of self blame and self sabotage. I tend to do that when I think I’ve messed up: I punish myself because I think I don’t deserve what I know is good for me. Then I feel small, insecure and sorry for myself. That little downward spiral is the worst sometimes.
I tried almost on a daily basis to regain control by looking for an explanation for my behaviour. I couldn’t come up with one that satisfied me enough to make me change and not repeat my mistakes. I realize now I was approaching the issue from the wrong direction. Mistaking the result for the cause, it is no wonder that I have been going around in circles. But there it is, the real cause, the root cause. I lost my footing because I stopped centering myself. There is a saying in Kundalini Yoga: At the start of each day, center yourself before someone centers you. I stopped doing that and within a week, I was tumbling down that well with negative influences and emotions flying at me from all sides, and from within. Until I was lying on the bottom in a little heap afraid to stand up.
But, as Bruce Wayne’s father told him: “…Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
Perhaps I needed this wake up call, in the volume that it was set at, for me to really pay attention. I needed a hard tumble and the bruises and the uncomfortable emotions that came with it, so that I could remember how much I mean to me, how hard I’ve worked to get where I am today, how grateful I am to have grown so much in a year, and how much I deserve to be good to myself. So, I’ve picked myself up, the right way this time. 🙂